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1. o me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
2. He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
2. He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
1. I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals.
2. I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
3. Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
2. I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
3. Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
1. It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
2. Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in the Void
3. I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
4. not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole Morla's throne
2. Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in the Void
3. I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
4. not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole Morla's throne
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I suggest leaving the brothel and heading home.
1) I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
2) I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
3) I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
4) My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
2) I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
3) I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
4) My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
1. I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
2. I can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
3. hey, it'ss the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
2. I can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
3. hey, it'ss the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
1. I answered the door to some Fox Cultists hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My guards are going to make me convert if they keep coming.
2. The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
3. You should frame my wanted poster.
4. text her!
2. The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
3. You should frame my wanted poster.
4. text her!
1. i'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
2. fuck him. i'll set him on fire for you. then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
3. if i die today, promise to let the world know i partied.... oh god did i party
2. fuck him. i'll set him on fire for you. then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
3. if i die today, promise to let the world know i partied.... oh god did i party
1. If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
2. I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
3. It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
3. TEXTS!!!
2. I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
3. It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
3. TEXTS!!!
Dude, I've already started queuing up a bunch of posts that'll show up after you die. Don't worry about it.
1. I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a man for his wardrobe privileges.
2. Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
2. Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
1. I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night.
2. I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text.
3. You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
2. I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text.
3. You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I don't think you really want to remember the specifics, to be honest.
1. This love triangle is really getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out.
2. Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in the castle. Being an engineer is awesome.
3. It's official. The only way for my hair to look good is to go down on someone.
2. Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in the castle. Being an engineer is awesome.
3. It's official. The only way for my hair to look good is to go down on someone.
1. About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
2. There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake up.
3. I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. You better love me, jackass.
2. There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake up.
3. I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. You better love me, jackass.
1. I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
2. I was gonna tell him a really embarrassing story about you, but then I remembered I'm in all of them
3. I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text
4. I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This house arrest needs to end.
2. I was gonna tell him a really embarrassing story about you, but then I remembered I'm in all of them
3. I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text
4. I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This house arrest needs to end.
1. Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
2. Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
3. I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE.
2. Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
3. I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE.
1. Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been?
2. And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what court boundaries are.
3. I just got called the stable friend. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable...
2. And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what court boundaries are.
3. I just got called the stable friend. This makes me incredibly uncomfortable...
Edited 2015-06-13 02:25 (UTC)
1. It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
2. We're friends. And when I drunkenly send you a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
3. We found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
2. We're friends. And when I drunkenly send you a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
3. We found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is not an appropriate way to apologize to your commanding officer.
1. You would think by now you'd have learned that when I get you to do something, it's only because it'll be hilarious for everyone who isn't you.
2. I found a briefcase full of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
2. I found a briefcase full of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Eh, that depends on the kind of fireworks. I think I'm more disappointed you never set those off
1. shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
2. And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
3. i fucked him and now theyre kicking him out of his religion. i call it being sexcommunicated
(for the purpose of memes lets just say she's lucifer to everyone since i cba keeping that shit up here)
2. And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
3. i fucked him and now theyre kicking him out of his religion. i call it being sexcommunicated
(for the purpose of memes lets just say she's lucifer to everyone since i cba keeping that shit up here)
Edited 2015-06-13 02:28 (UTC)
1. Are you doing that thing where you're trying to tell me I'm making a terrible decision again?
2. You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me.
3. I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
2. You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me.
3. I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Katsa? If I'M telling you you're making a terrible decision you might really wanna reconsider it...
1. It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up happiness.
2. Ordained minister or not, I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences.
3. The general consensus of people in the room is that I should have another bottle of wine.
4. I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
2. Ordained minister or not, I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences.
3. The general consensus of people in the room is that I should have another bottle of wine.
4. I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
But don't say it wasn't worth it. You'll break my heart.
1. well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
2. Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
3. Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter.
2. Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
3. Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter.
Edited 2015-06-13 02:46 (UTC)
3. By my count, that'll be 12 times this week.
1. Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been?
2. I have a guy for practically everything, except for making me waffles on demand. will you be my waffle guy?
3. Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
2. I have a guy for practically everything, except for making me waffles on demand. will you be my waffle guy?
3. Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
[ Mako she knows you're braintrust buddies, but... ]
I can't say I have. Has that been bothering you recently?
I can't say I have. Has that been bothering you recently?
1. On a scale of one to everyone dying, I say let's aim for a 7.
2. So I am drinking whiskey and watching Superbowl reruns at the Station by myself. It turns out living in a foreign world isn't all that different after all.
3. I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
4. Once he started yelling at me in Latin, I wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore.
5. Text her!
2. So I am drinking whiskey and watching Superbowl reruns at the Station by myself. It turns out living in a foreign world isn't all that different after all.
3. I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
4. Once he started yelling at me in Latin, I wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore.
5. Text her!
I do not understand. How is a rainbow inappropriate?
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